Was it worth it?

Some people have been asking me if this trip was “worth it.” Figuring out the answer to this question means I have to define “it,” which I’m assuming means the pain and unpleasantness that I’ve experienced here. And for a few weeks now, my answer has been, “No, it wasn’t worth it.” With the caveat, of course, that one’s perspective on these sorts of things changes over time. Five years from now I may be very glad that I went, because I’m sure my life will be very different and leaving for India for three months will not be an option.

Still, though, what is the value of this trip? Was it worth the pain? I missed Matthew’s 30th birthday. I missed Bill & Jessica’s wedding, and Nina and Patrick’s wedding reception. I missed being able to vist my grandfather, who was undergoing treatment for cancer. I missed spending time with Matthew’s family, some of whom have now moved to Texas. That’s a lot of important things to miss, and for what? I’ve gotten better at Hindi, but my experience here has been so painful that I doubt I’ll do any major research here–I may study India, but I have no interest in spending large amounts of time in this country. So what use will Hindi be anyway?

The value of this trip, I realized last night, is that it has made my priorities abundantly clear to me. The glamour and excitement (so to speak) of doing international research is useless if I can’t be with the people I love. Matthew, our families, our friends…without these, what joy is there in life? How can I even consider spending months or years far away from the things that make me happiest in this world?

There was a headline the other day in the newspaper that read (I am not kidding you): “In India, even God would feel helpless.” And it’s true. India is like a force of nature. Things happen, there’s so much that goes on, and you can control precious little of it in this country. One really is at the mercy of things larger than oneself. Over and over again in this country, images of mortality have made an indelible impression on me. That we are so tied to these soft and breakable bodies is an enormous tragedy. And it makes me all the more ready to be home, with people I love, in places I love, because we never know what life might bring our way.